Pornography has never been more accessible than it is right now. It is dangerous for adults and for kids. Like any danger, it’s crucial to increase our awareness and armor ourselves and our loved ones from it’s impact.
The Institute for Family Studies states that 93% of boys and 63% of girls report exposure to internet pornography before the age of 18, with the average first exposure at 12 years old. Other studies have showed the average age of first exposure to be as young as 8 years old.
From critical conversations to creating concrete boundaries around devices, there are many ways a parent can help protect a child from the power of pornography. I will share three ideas to consider utilizing with your child.
1. Boundaries Around Devices
Imagine an alcoholic being told they can’t drink alcohol but 24/7 they are carrying around a cocktail in their hand or liquor in their purse. They sleep with it next to them. They wake up and it’s the first thing they see. If a child has a smart phone with internet access, they have access to pornography. There are many ways to get around parental controls and many ways to access the internet even through apps that are considered “safe.”
Delaying the introduction of a smart phone for as long as possible allows a child to grow in maturity before being handed the expectation of regulating their own technology use.
Despite a teen or child’s protests, it’s not actually a matter of a child being “responsible enough” to handle a smart phone. When we are providing them with a device fixed with endless amounts of stimulation we are setting the table for their brain to engage in numbing and destructive behaviors. It's a massive expectation to place even on the most "responsible" of children.
Do not let your child sleep in their room with their phone, tablet or other devices. Protect them in their private spaces by keeping them screen free. It’s completely appropriate for devices to have a “bedtime” and for that “bedtime” to happen well before they are in their own beds. OSF healthcare recommends that kids shouldn’t view a screen for 2 hours before they go to bed.
It’s okay, and even important, for kids to be bored! Boredom allows creativity to flourish and it gives the brain a break. Parents can provide alternative activities to being on devices OR they can accept that boredom is an appropriate experience for a child.
Remind them that this is mom and dad’s phone that they are using. Because it’s mom and dad’s phone, it’s theirs to request at any time to check history, messages, add/delete certain apps. This is not a form of punishment, it’s allowing transparency and encourages open communication.
Turn on the screen time tracker to have regular conversations related to their usage. Dr. Yousuf states the following are the general recommendations provided by pediatricians:
o Under 2 years old: Zero screen time outside of video chatting with family/friends
o 2-5 years old: No more than one hour per day co-viewing with a parent or sibling
o 5-17 years old: No more than two hours per day, except for homework
Even these numbers seem high to me but compared to what the CDC reports that children are actually getting, they are significantly lower and something for which we can collectively aim.
Ensure the types of media they are consuming are uplifting and provide a positive impact on their life. Be aware of video games, as many “games” provide sexually stimulating content.
Limit their phone usage to calls and texts. TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, Snap Chat etc are not serving kids. There are many sexually explicit images and videos available on these platforms even without directly being considered “pornographic.” These stimulating exposures are not serving their brain in any way. The cost far outweighs the benefit.
2. Conversations Around Pornography
Are you having repeated conversations around pornography with your kids? Do they feel emotionally safe to approach you if they’ve been exposed? The “talk” around sex, pornography etc cannot be a one time thing. It needs to be visited and revisited. Create space for your child to share openly about what they are seeing, hearing and talking about with peers.
If a parent is uncomfortable talking about sex or pornography, a child will be too.
Let your child know that it’s normal to have sexual thoughts/feelings. It’s also important for us to learn to respond to those thoughts and feelings effectively. Pornography is not an effective way to respond to sexual thoughts and feelings.
A child can practice noticing those feelings show up in their body, practicing mindfulness, identifying any emotions that may be connected with those physical sensations and observing any thoughts they might be having as well.
Remind them that they are not “bad” because they’ve had a “bad” thought. Again, it’s completely normal for sexual thoughts and feelings to show up. We can observe our thoughts without judgement and allow them to pass without giving them power. This takes learned skills and practice.
Many adults have their own shame around this topic making it extra difficult to discuss openly with a child. Please do the work to process your own feelings around sex, sexuality, pornography etc so you’re able to approach these conversations in an open, clear and loving way. The moment shame enters the conversation is the moment a child experiences themselves as “bad” and is more inclined to hide their behaviors.
Use accurate language. It’s critical to use accurate information and use real words rather than talking around something. The number of grown men I’ve known who struggle to say the word “masturbation” or use accountable language like “I masturbated while watching pornography” is astounding. It’s important that we are clear and say what may feel uncomfortable. A parent can model for their kids that these are not big and scary words. Per J.K. Rowling “Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.” A child is not going to come talk to you about it if they don’t have the language to do so.
3. Emotional Resilience Work
Pornography use is often used as a form of numbing emotional pain. Even an emotion like “curiosity” can be uncomfortable to sit with. Children who are taught to be in tune and aware of their emotions are more likely to respond to those emotions in nurturing rather than numbing ways. Create space for your child to talk, process and practice effective responses to their emotions.
Brené Brown has shared from her research that on average adult participants were able to identify 3 emotions. She’s concluded from her data that we need to be able to identify 30 feelings for emotional literacy. We can start this process from infancy by naming some of the feelings they are expressing. When a child is a toddler we can have them practice making “faces” showing certain emotions. From her talk “Rising Strong as a Spiritual Practice” she shares that with older children we can get creative and take pictures of them making the face they have when they feel certain feelings.
We call them “feelings” because we feel them in our body before they show up anywhere else. Practicing self-attunement arms us with power to stay with the emotion while keeping our integrity in the driver’s seat.
Teach your children that emotions are like waves. They rise and they fall. We can ride them out. They have an ending. When we practice mindfulness (or simply observe them) without judgement we can stay present in the discomfort. These practices increase our emotional bandwidth and our capacity to feel deeply.
We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb out pain, we numb out joy. Help a child get comfortable with being uncomfortable. We can do that by validating and empathizing with their emotional experience. We can model that we can’t “fix feelings.” Our best tool is to allow them to exist. Emotions are not emergencies.
Boys may be particularly vulnerable because of the messages they receive around what emotions are okay and not okay to feel and express. Humans have emotions. They provide us with important information about our needs. Men and boys (and everyone else) need to be provided with permission to feel. It’s critical to healthy development, learning, and connection with themselves and others.
The emotion is valid, the behavioral response to an emotion may not be. Allowing an emotion to exist doesn’t mean we’re giving ourselves permission to engage in whatever behavior the emotion dictates. We are not putting the emotion in the driver’s seat of our day or our life. Allowing it to exist means we’re getting curious about it, sharing it in appropriate places and responding to it while staying in our integrity.
There are many resources available sharing the impact of pornography on kids and adults. Parents can approach these topics with their kids in ways that are emotionally safe and effective. Arm yourself and your kids with knowledge. If you need additional support to navigate some of these topics with your kids please reach out to our team. One of our therapists would be glad to help you through this process.
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