“If I could, I would.” Sometimes people genuinely lack the ability to change. If they had the health, mind, time, financial resources etc they would expend every effort to reach a goal or become their best self. As much as great grandma would love to run a marathon at 90, her current body limits her to her walker and occasional strolls in the garden. A person who only lacks in ability might embrace change with open arms and put the work in if they could.
I remember chatting with a friend who is an exceptional musician and he shared that many people say they, “Wish they could play like he plays.” He said, “No, they don’t. If they really wanted it, they would put the effort in. I am not that special. I have been willing to work for years at this and make the necessary sacrifices to do it.” He now has the ability to play at the professional level, because he was willing to put the time, effort, attention and resources into developing his craft. Someone who never has access for example to a piano or the financial means necessary to create time and space to practice for those hours on end, might be incredibly willing but truly lacks the ability to develop that talent. Others could if only they would.
In the therapy room, there are times that people are not able to change their behaviors. There are people who are 100% willing to expend every effort possible and due to various limitations they run into brick wall after brick wall. Some examples of those who may be willing to change but truly not able could include those who have severe mental health challenges, severe ptsd, mental, physical and cognitive disabilities, someone lacking the financial resources to get the required help, severe addictions, or a person in an oppressive or an abusive relationship to name a few.
More often than not, as is our human nature, there is often a willingness issue. Rather than being willing, someone may be willful, lacking the humility and accountability required to change. Much of my work over the years has included men who have engaged in secret sexual behaviors within the context of their relationship. More often than not men who are engaging in secret sexual behaviors have the ability to change. It requires specialized help from a professional, radical honesty/integrity, and accountability. The quality of believing their way is better, willfulness, entitlement, justifications, and rationalizations prevent change. The lack of willingness rather than the lack of ability becomes the biggest barrier. Otten it isn’t compulsivity stopping someone from changing, it is a psychology of entitlement: The idea that “I deserve” xyz even at the expense of my relationship and the harm, not potential harm but actual harm, that my behaviors will cause and are causing as I continue to engage in them.
Whatever our circumstances, we can check in on our own behaviors. Am I genuinely lacking the ability to change? Or am I lacking the willingness required to put in the concerted effort? External accountability is often required to make lasting change. If you are in need of some extra support in this area, one of our therapists would love to help.
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