The terms used in this article: Deceptive Sexuality Trauma, Integrity Abuse Disorder, Compulsive/Entitled Sexual Behaviors, Covert Operation, Integrity Abuse, and “Be a Better Man” are all terms and titles from Dr. Omar Minwalla.
“Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, My Spouse has an Integrity Abuse Disorder, How about you?” For those who have experienced trauma from sexual betrayal, roses and chocolates in heart shaped boxes may be a thoughtful gesture, but are they enough? Do they actually meet a need? Sometimes men who have engaged in or are actively engaging in sexually deceptive behaviors hold onto the belief that “nothing they ever do will be good enough, so why try?” In 10+ years of working with infidelity trauma I have never met a betrayed spouse who is actually expecting perfection. Instead, that’s a “story” many men who are actively lying tell themselves to grant themselves permission to stop trying (or half try).
In relationships that have been emotionally safe (meaning there is honesty, fidelity, connection, belonging etc.), the little things are the big things. Those small and simple moments of knowing you’ve been thought of (ie. the chocolates, cards and flowers) can really brighten up the day. For victims of Integrity Abuse (those who have been partnered with someone who has Compulsive/Entitled Sexual Behaviors), part of the deception within the relationship sometimes has included “thoughtful” gestures. A partner who is actively lying about their sexual behaviors, showing up with flowers while full knowing they are involved in an affair or secretly viewing pornography. Part of the “covert operation” to cover up their secret sexual behaviors has been to act as though things are “normal” or fine within the relationship. “Hey, look! I’m thinking of you. I brought you flowers. See? I’m a good husband.” All while actively deceiving and harming the spouse by withinholding what could be life altering information for her. This becomes part of a cycle of gaslighting and continued abuse. She may be feeling something is off and question her own reality because, “Well, he’s been distant and on his phone abunch, but he did write me a sweet card the other day.”
After years of listening, here is my “Ten Things” list of what would really mean the world to these women/victims who have walked this road of massive pain and deception:
Fidelity: As the most baseline, foundational behavior, fidelity within the marriage. You made a commitment when you married your spouse. Keep it. Honor her. Treasure her and protect the sacredness that is your marriage.
Honesty/Transparency: It is not your place to decide how she will or won’t respond. It is your role to be honest, truthful and let her make her own choices from that point. If you are in the midst sexual deception, contact a therapist who can help facilitate a full disclosure.
Understanding without defensiveness: Listen to truly understand the pain. Don’t make her pain about you. We can only validate when we have really taken the time to understand. If you’re not getting it, you can ask questions like “What has been the most painful part of this for you?” Then genuinely stay present with her pain.
Empathy: If validation is understanding with our minds, empathy is understanding with our heart. Find something in you that understands the emotions she is experiencing. Maybe even take a minute to just imagine her pain and journal about it. Don’t wait for her to bring it up, unless that’s a specific marital agreement the two of you have made. Turn towards her and face the reality of the pain.
Accountability: There is a difference between truly owning your behaviors and going into a dark pit of shame from which now feels like she needs to rescue you. “Owning” involves seeing the impact on those you have hurt. It’s much more possible to take true accountability after we have listened to understand and empathized.
Commitment to Change: Change your behaviors. Decide from this point forward that you will “Be a Better Man.” With the right help it is 100% possible to change. Not muscle through, but actually change.
Humility: The quality of knowing that your way is not the best way. Own that you cannot do this on your own and be willing to accept help/direction/treatment.
Willingness: Humility’s twin. Be willing to put the effort in that it takes to change. Not half in, or “I’ll wait and see what happens after I’ve tried for a couple months” but genuine effort. Most people have the ability to recover. Lacking a true willingness is the problem.
Consistency: Consistency over time creates safety within the relationship. It’s possible to create a solid foundation with concerted effort and the right help.
Do what you say you will do: If I’ve said I’m going to go to a meeting, I need to go to a meeting. First and foremost this builds trust within our own selves.
There are many more things we could add to this list, but these are just a few. I hope this helps on your path to recovery. There is help available when you’re ready to ask for it. For those women whose spouses or partners are engaging in deceptive sexual behaviors, our hearts are with you. My hope is that you can know that your needs are important, that you matter and that healing (even if it isn’t within the context of the relationship) is possible.
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